Voices in my Head: Brain Waves

They finally figured it out. Ive been waiting for this day my whole life. A new technology created in Japan allows you to control electronic devices by reading brain activity.

According to MSNBC, the "brain-machine interface" developed by Hitachi Inc. analyzes slight changes in the brain's blood flow and translates brain motion into electric signals. This is great news for those of us who believe the remote control is as old fashioned as outhouses. Having to actually lift my arm and point a device at the television to change channels is primitive and has made me feel like a cave man at times.

If I understand this correctly then with this new brain reading machine I would be able to mow my lawn from the front porch. I can probably even open the mailbox and get the mail from my living room couch. I wonder what kind of range my brain can get. Its probably determined by your IQ. People with a high IQ can move things like cars and small buses but people with low IQs can only open doors and pull down shades at night.

I wonder if my brain waves can get crossed with other peoples brain waves. Wouldnt it be terrible if I accidentally changed my neighbors television set to the baseball game while they were watching COPS?

Speaking of neighbors, this brings undressing me with your eyes to a whole new level. I wonder when Janet from next door is going to go jogging next. I might have to start getting into shape.

Wont this be great for practical jokes too? Im sure there will be some people who cant move things with their minds yet because they havent evolved like those of us with the superior minds have evolved. That means we can play jokes on them and they cant retaliate. Just wait until I hide behind the couch and start moving lamps across the room. My kids are going to think the house is haunted.

I wonder whats next. Maybe Ill be able to will myself invisible the next time a meeting at work gets boring. That way I can just take a nice little nap at the back of the room and nobody will know. In reality my friends, I feel bad for the inventors of this wonderful device. You see it was already invented in the 1960s although I dont think anyone actually submitted a patent application for it. Its called lysergic acid diethylamide or LSD for short. No Mom, I never tried any of that stuff in college. I was always at church when my friends did those things. My poor sinner friends, I feel bad for them.

I do know (from what Ive heard, NEVER experienced) that when you take LSD you can at least appear to move things with your mind. Wouldnt it be funny if these guys over in Japan were actually on LSD when they invented the device that allows moving things with their minds? How do you explain to your boss that it was all a big mistake that started when you were licking those funny looking stamps with your other scientist friends?

Your boss would then take a closer look at your device and discover that its actually made from used Popsicle sticks and Legos. The only way out of this mess for these scientists is to quickly come up with an even greater invention so that their bosses will forget all about this little mishap. Time travel sounds like a good idea. Go grab the cardboard box that the air conditioner came in, paint the sides blue and white and put some fake antennas on it. Now crawl in and pretend you can see dinosaurs.

Sure, we all believe you. In fact, I think Ill be the first in line to purchase one of these brain wave devices. I wonder how much theyre going for on eBay.

Theres a terrible rumor going around that Barbara Bush bought one of these devices for her son President George. When he put it on not only was he unable to move any objects but he soiled his pants and started speaking in tongues. I guess they havent flushed out all the kinks yet.

My name is Artie Leary. I am a humor columnist based out of a small New England town. You may not have heard of me before so let me introduce myself by telling you four things about me that you probably couldn't guess.

1. My parents wanted a girl when I was born and they were going to name her Stephanie. This lovely little anecdote is told by my dear old mother annually at my birthday party.

2. When I was seven years old I stole a zucchini from Mr. Chalke's garden and brought it home to my parents for dinner. It was that night as I cried myself to sleep after my dad slapped me on the head and called me an idiot that I decided I didn't have what it takes for a life of crime.

3. I cut my own hair and shave my own back and it isn't easy.

4. I once told my Great Aunt Alice who was suffering from Alzheimer's that my name was Charlie Manson and she was part of my "family". My mother grounded me for two weeks for that "misunderstanding".